The truth, about my trust.

What happened to the days when we could fix anything that caused our children pain or distress, with a Bandaid? Wouldn't it be nice to still posssess such Motherly Super Powers again? What happened to the days when I could answer all 936 questions about life, asked in rapid fire succession on any given day, and my children would believe it as truth?  With my younger 3 sons, I still have some SuperMom powers, but my oldest son isn't falling for it anymore.  My oldest is now 20, and he hasn't asked for a bandaid from me in a long time, and only asks about 6 questions about life on any given day and my answers are not always the ones that he wants to hear, so he doesn't always believe them as truth.  He is an amazing young man who is trying to navigate that transition to adulthood.....never mind that he is at least a foot taller than me, he is still my baby boy.  But this story isn't really about my oldest son, or any of my children for that matter.  It's about me, and current condition of my heart. We are going thru something rather distressing with our 20 yr old right now, and as his Mom, I just want to fix it and help him thru it.  But this time, I can't fix it.  I can love him thru it, but by my own hand, the fix won't come.  The situation has really been grieving me, and my prayers just haven't been easing my pain totally.  A few days ago, all day long, I had really been praying over the situation....praying for peace, resolution, wisdom, comfort, understanding, etc.  That night, I had this dream, and in the dream I could see my oldest son, and God's hand was on his head, and my hand was also on his head, right next to God's hand. In this dream, God said to me "Do you trust me with him? If you trust me, then take your hand off his head, and let go of him. He's mine, not yours. I promise you, even if you take your hand off of him, I will never take MINE off of him." I said, "Of course I trust you Lord!" and took my hand off. While I let go of his head initially, I kept going back and trying to put my hand back on his head, saying "Can't I just stroke his hair for a minute? Or, give him a pat on the head? Or how about I just fluff his hair a little bit?" Feeling like somehow, even though God's unwavering hand was firmly grasping his head, mine sort of needed to be in the mix a little bit too for some extra support.  A feeling that my hearts need to "Mother" him was somehow on the same level as God's need to Father him. I really was having a hard time keeping my hands to myself! What I got from that prayer/dream/visual was that I DO trust that God has his hand on my children, and He has a purpose for them,....but as a Mother?.... it is HARD to totally, trust that ALL of the things that happen in their life, BOTH good and bad, BOTH challenge and triumph, God has purpose for, and He will use ALL of these things to help them to become all that He created them to be. I can't fix it for him.....but I have to learn how to trust completely that God can. But that "fix" may look very different than what I THINK it should look like, and won't be in MY timing, but instead, in the perfect timing of God. We never want our children to hurt, or face challenges, or such huge insecure times in life such as the one my son is facing. But I must remember, that God NEVER wastes a hurt. He will always use it for good, if we let Him. I'm a Mother who would lay down her life for her children! I support them, encourage them, pray over them, and believe them to be exceptional people. Quite simply, I love them in a way that only a Mother can. But I must always remember, that their Heavenly Father loves them far more, and he DID lay down his life for them. I must learn how to trust that His hand will never be off of them, even during times of trial....ESPECIALLY during times of trial! I must learn to trust in the purpose of the good, AND the bad....the triumphs, AND the challenges. God has entrusted me with this son to raise by His design, and I must trust in my purpose as his Mother is to keep encouraging him, praying for him, teaching him truth, loving him, and believing him to be all that God created him to be, even when he doesn't see it in himself. But I have to ultimately learn how to trust completely and without hesitation, that God's hand is enough. He has him covered. He will never let go of him. He has a purpose, for it ALL.  I saw a quote that summed it up for me the other day.  It said, "The Cup Holder was in jail for 3 days. Joseph was in jail for 13 years. Embrace the process! Do you want to hold a cup, or a nation?"  I must learn to trust in THAT, and not to keep reaching over, placing my hand back on his head and trying to stroke him on the head or fluff his hair.....even just a little bit. 


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